you are the star that's in my sky

100 Things

2009-02-14T16:58:00.003-05:00

100. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life
99. When people first meet me, they think I’m some kind of moody poet or something.
98. In reality, I can’t write poems at all.
97. But I actually am pretty deep and philosophical at heart …
96. I just hide it from almost everybody
95. My parents perception of me, especially my mom, is completely, completely off.
94. I used to cry at least every week because of all the hurtful things my mom says to me such as, “you’re fat, you only made the team because everybody else sucks and maybe you’ll get prettier when you grow up.”
93. I’ve gotten so used to these insults that they barely even affect me anymore.
92. I’m not fat.
91. I love to play sports, even if I’m not amazing at them.
90. I made three sport teams at school (which is the maximum you can be on)
89. Most people only know me on the surface.
88. When I got 99% on the test to qualify for the gifted program in grade five, my parents didn’t believe me, because they thought I was just average.
87. My parents have explicitly said that the reason they are raising me is so I can provide MY kids with a good life. Am I the only one who finds that completely pointless?
86. I wanted to have kids before I overheard them saying that. Now, I don’t think I do
85. I don’t think I’m very good looking, but I don’t think I’m ugly either
84. I’ve recently actually started caring about my appearance
83. Before, when I didn’t, my mom was a lot meaner to me about my appearance
82. I’ve heard the comment “you look really sad/tired” a lot, when I’m not sad or tired at all
81. Some days, I think the reason for the above comment is because I suffer from depression.
80. There’s this guy, who is my guy friend, and one of my closest friends. He’s so good to me; I don’t deserve him at all.
79. He liked me and asked me out. I said yes, even though I didn’t consider him in that way AT ALL. I was just too afraid to say no, I was afraid it would end my relationship with him.
78. I was too much of a wussy to break up with him. So I ignored him until he got the hint and broke up with me.
77. He was still so incredibly nice to me, I couldn’t believe it.
76. A year after he first asked me out, he confessed that he still liked me the whole time…
75. He would be the perfect guy for me; we’re completely in sync with our thoughts… except for the way he looks.
74. I know that’s really shallow, but it’s just the way I feel. There’s zero physical attraction to him for me, and I think that a lasting, romantic relationship needs physical and emotional attraction.
73. I won’t admit it to anybody, but I like this guy who is a complete jerk. I think that sadly, it’s part of the attraction.
72. There are really only a few people I can tell everything to
71. I believe in love
70. I admire people who speak their mind, even when I don’t agree with them
69. At the same time, I also dislike it when people can’t take it when people disagree with them.
68. I really don’t like people who are afraid to stand up for what they believe in
67. Though, after what happened last year, I’m slowly turning into one of those people
66. I don’t people. I hate qualities of people. But in everybody, there is ALWAYS good in people
65. I can’t hold grudges
64. I procrastinate all the time
63. I refuse to eat anything from McDonald’s
62. I watch more TV than I should
61. I’m constantly on MSN, but usually on Appear Offline
60. Some of my closest friends are becoming extremely distant this year
59. I don’t hang out with my friends nearly as often as I want to
58. I don’t really have a best friend
57. I secretly wish that my guy friend I mentioned earlier was a girl, because he’d my best friend
56. Some people just make me feel really awkward to talk to
55. I don’t like people who always try to act cool
56. I live in my yoga pants, even though I don’t do yoga
55. I’m a big loser at heart
54. I fake a good relationship with my parents to other people
53. I love math
52. I’m pretty white washed, though I’m recently becoming more Asian
51. I don’t like the spelling ‘azn’
50. I don’t really like my school
49. I know dating is completely pointless in high school, but I still want a boyfriend
48. In reality, I don’t think anybody is really original
47. I get mood swings, as in I feel shy one day and really bold the next
46. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people
45. I’m starting to fall behind in school
44. It takes me a while to put my trust into other people
43. I hate it when people judge you based on your clothes, your taste in music or anything trivial like that.
42. To me, depth is so much more important than being smart. Anybody can get good grades, if they really tried hard enough. But not everybody can be deep.
41. I get along with pretty much everybody
40. I genuinely like to help people. Usually only if I feel they deserve it though.
39. I believe in karma.
38. I’ve said I a lot this note. I think people talk about themselves too much.
37. I am really lazy around my house.
36. I hate it when people say “fml.” I understand you’re upset, but that’s just being melodramatic. Be grateful you’re alive.
35. When I’m up really late finishing my homework, I think about how lucky I am to get the opportunity to learn
34. Despite that, I complain about school all the time. I think it’s because it feels good to complain. Also, it makes me feel somewhat normal.
33. I love my Hollister sweater. It feels really comfortable. Does it really matter what brand my clothes are?
32. I want a job at this camp, this summer. But I feel out of place there, like it’s for the rich white kids.
31. I have ugly legs because I run a lot.
30. I love to read, but I’ve had a shortage of quality books lately
29. I’m too scared to post this note to facebook or anywhere my friends irl can read this
28. I really, really hope nobody I know irl is reading this
27. I want to go to an Ivy League university and have an important job when I grow up, but really all I can really wish for is to be happy.
26. I haven’t really discovered anything that makes me really happy.
25. Especially recently, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my mind in the present. I keep thinking about the future.
24. One day, I really just want to do something REALLY spontaneous, crazy and reckless, forgetting any consequences attached to it.
23. I’m really quiet when we first meet.
22. I believe we’re all here for a reason, for some type of greater cause.
21. I need to make a difference when we grow up – change the world.
20. I still need to find a way to express myself
19. I play the piano, but I quit during the summer, after I completed level eight. I was never any good at it.
18. I love music and it’s hard to classify my taste in music. I love a little bit of country, mostly alternative but even some mainstream pop. I hate it when people call me a poser because they think I listen to the ‘alternative’ music to be cool
17. Quite often, I’ll say things without thinking it through
16. I don’t cry often, but I think I’m becoming a lot more sensitive
15. My parents have disapproved of EVERY single job I’ve ever wanted to take up. So when people ask and my parents are there, I say I want to become a doctor. I have no intention of becoming a doctor.
14. I miss middle school so much
13. I don’t want to grow up
12. I’m running out of things to say
11. I think I’m starting to grow kind of fat now
10. I was watching Gilmore Girls the whole time I was writing this
09. I have a problem with comment
08. I’ve used ‘I’ to start a lot of these sentences.
07. I can brag a lot sometimes
06. I’m currently in IB, but I don’t think it’s worth it and I want to drop out.
05. UPenn has been my dream school for two years. But recently, I think it’s changed to Cornell, after I found out that I have a higher chance of being accepted to Cornell.
04. I’ve secretly watched every Suite Life on Deck episode that has aired so far
03. I can’t believe I almost wrote 100 things about myself.
03.5 I can’t believe I’m posting this on the internet, where anybody and everybody can see.
02. I love to learn. I love to laugh. I love to love. I love to live.
01. I really hope somebody actually took the time to read all that.

I really can't think of a title

2009-02-09T20:19:00.002-05:00

Hey guys ... that is, if anybody is actually reading this.

So I know that I haven't really been updating this blog, but it just didn't seem like anybody really cared. But, this blog is for me, not for anybody else. There also hasn't really been anything to blog about. My life has been pretty boring lately.

Well Dominican Republic was really, really fun. I met a lot of great people, danced, and ate/drank a lot. It would have been a lot better if I didn't get my period the first day though. I really hate being a girl sometimes. There was nothing really that interesting that I feel like blogging about though.

Anyways, I got my report card last Thursday, and I got to say, I was extremely disappointed with myself. My average was 83.8% - it has never been nearly that low all my life. It was history that brought my mark down significantly. I got 77% in history, much lower than I expected. The worst part is I don't know why, because I was in Dominican Republic during the exam review. Based on my other marks, I should not be getting such a low mark. I asked my teacher to see my exam, because there are many cases where teachers made a mistake with the marks, but she refused to let me see my exam.

I've been seriously considering what I want to do with my life. What kind of person I want to be. What job I want to have. I have absolutely no idea as of now. I'm really just hoping that I'll be lying around one day and it'll just come to me. But I know it's not like that. I'm such an indecisive person, I really have no idea what I want to do. I feel like I'm not really doing anything significant with my life. Last year, in middle school, I felt like I was actually somebody I was proud of, somebody other people wanted to be. I was in pretty much every single club and team imaginable, in addition to lessons and teams outside school every single day. A lot of people in the school knew me. In high school, with over 2000 people, I feel completely insignificant. The other teams I'm on are the basketball, volleyball and lacrosse team. In addition, I quit all my lessons and extracurriculars to keep up with the work load.

There's the relationships... I think I have a problem with commitment. Every time I get really close to a person, even as friends, I seem to push them away. For example, one of my best friends (who I also went out with before, but not because I actually liked him, because I didn't want to say no because he's such a nice guy), I keep pushing him away and setting up walls. Despite that, he keeps trying to tear down the walls but I'm not letting him... I think if he was a female, we'd be like sisters, but he's a guy and every time we get really close, he likes me in a different way. That was the pattern last year, we get close, he likes me, I push him away, we get close again, he likes me etc...

There's also a new guy. I don't know, I really shouldn't like him. He's rude and racist. But my heart seems to overlook that, and notice that he is actually pretty cute, he can make friends easily and he can make me laugh. Pretty embarrassing, but I actually sometimes feel nervous when he gets really close. Ehh... I have like a love/hate relationship with him.

Friends? Well, I thought I'd make a lot of really close friends at high school. That hasn't been the case so far. I've met lots of new people, but not anybody that I'm like really close with.

Okay ... I think I'm done my pointless rambling for the day.

new blog?

2009-01-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

Blogging is a drug. Once you start, I think it's impossible to stop. You may have the will to stop once in a while, but you get relapses.

I don't know...whenever I'm on some sort of break from school, I always seem to resort to blogging. It's something to do, I guess. I also think part of the reason is that I really do need to write down my thoughts somewhere. There's just some things I can't tell to my friends in real life. So for now, this will be my not so private diary. I think I need to keep a diary and I need to publish on the web because I can't let people in real life see, but at the same time, I need to know that somebody actually cares about what I have to say. I know I never keep my blogs for longer than a few weeks, so we'll see where this one goes.

Well, first of all, I am extremely happy at the moment. I finished my last exam at 1:30pm today, which means I just completed my first semester of high school! I'm so happy! This just means I'm closer to growing up though ... I'll admit it, I cried the night before high school. It's just so different, I really miss the comfort of middle school. Back to the exams, they were all fairly easy. I expected them to be much harder, I was panicking the night before my history exam.

My parents and brother were planning to go to Dominican Republic tomorrow without me, and leave me in freezing cold Canada to complete my exams. However, my last exam just happened to be one day before they leave (tomorrow), which means I can go with them! It still hasn't really sunk in yet that I'm going to DOMINICAN REPUBLIC TOMORROW. I still feel like I'm going to be stuck shoveling the driveway (not that I actually do that at my house xD) this time tomorrow, instead of drinking a pina colada while relaxing in the warm Dominican air.

That's all for today, as I have to finish packing now, though I have MANY things to tell you. Things including a certain guy (or a few), teachers, making/losing friends and much more. I'll be back on February 1st to tell you guys.

Sorry that I am a complete noob at blogspot, but I could not be bothered to make a layout and code everything myself. I'm getting lazier each day. You will have to put up with technical difficulties until I become an experienced blogspot user.